My Darkest Secret
by YamiTenshiKoi
Summary: Edward has the same routine after every meal. Straight to the bathroom to make himself throw up. When someone walks in on this sacred act, can he bring himself to even care? RoyEd, Yaoi, slash, rated for bullimia, its a rewritten repost of an old story


**Lexi: Okay, so I originally posted this story about a year ago when I first started on Fanfic. It was my first I'd ever written. And so when I was going through all my work, I came across it... and realized something. IT SUCKED! Therefore, I am re-writing and posting it. Enjoy!**

**Dislcaimer: Nope, still don't own it!**

**Warning: This is yaoi, that means boyXboy, if you have a problem with that then don't read.**

I was on my knees with my head lolling in the toilet -as it was after almost every meal- watching my food come up with my finger down my throat. This had become routine for me ever since the first time somebody _"jokingly"_ made fun of my weight. It was those people who had made me come to hate myself... How could anyone love someone so fat as me?

I was startled out of my self-pitying thoughts as I heard footsteps approaching the bathroom. "Shit," I muttered. I was sure I had picked the bathroom farthest from the cafeteria! They should still be eating their lunches, lunch time still had 20 minutes left! _I _was only able to get away by saying I had paperwork to attend to. As much as I hated lying to them, if I didn't, Hughes would still be showing me pictures of his daughter. God knows I don't need to be tortured anymore.

That's when I remembered the footsteps. My head snapped up rather quickly, awaiting whoever was there to say something. Of course I probably should have done something about the fact that I was _still_ kneeling in front of the toilet. With my finger in my mouth. A pretty compromising position to any onlookers.

"FullMetal?" the voice that belonged to the footsteps asked, sounding pretty shocked.

I slowly turned my head towards the intruder, hoping I was wrong. I definitely my heart fluttered and my eyes widened. It was Roy Mustang, The Flame Alchemist, Colonel, my commanding officer... and secret crush.

My head snapped away as I realized where were and almost stopped breathing. It was just Colonel Mustang and I in a bathroom, together... and I was still fucking leaning over the toilet! My stomach's undigested contents remained in the bowl in front of me. I rather quickly tried to wipe off my mouth on my sleeve so I looked somewhat more presentable.

_Damn, how do I hell am I going to get out of this one?_

"Ed?" I flinched, that was one of the first times he used my name and not my title. "Why?" The gentle voice questioned. I figured he had probably been able to piece together what had been happening here minutes ago. It really wasn't hard to understand.

But the realization that he knew my darkest, most heinous, secret, hit me quite hard. There was absolutely no way to make this situation seem different than exactly what it was.

And that's about when I lost it. I couldn't help it, I mean, the man I had spent years trying to prove to that I was not a weak child, but a strong adult, had just seen me in my most vulnerable state! He saw the one thing that could prove I wasn't as steel hard as my exterior claimed to be.

He then understood that I truly did care what people thought of me. I cared so much so that I was willing to hurt myself to feel accepted and wanted by someone.

I felt broken. Tears that had been hidden behind this well-put-together mask, finally came cascading down my face. I bowed my head and let my hair cover most of my face, too ashamed to face him. There was no way I was going to let him see me cry.

But, truthfully, I didn't even mind nor care that he was still in the room as I let everything out. He already thought worse of me, was judging and making assumptions about why I am this way. I mean, wouldn't everyone else do the same thing?

Suddenly, I felt two, warm and gentle arms wrap around my shaking form and embrace me into a comforting hug. When was the last time I had been held like this? It must've been way back when Mom was still here... Somehow this comforting gesture seemed to actually help. I buried my head into the person's chest, honestly not caring who it was.

"You shouldn't try to change yourself, Edward," whispered the person.

I knew that voice. It was the voice that constantly taunted me about my height. The voice that helped me get through the worst of times. The voice I longed to hear everytime I have ever been sad. It was _His_ voice that helped make the pain go away. And I don't think I could've been happier at who it was.

"I'm fat, I know that no one could ever want someone as fucked up me," came my soft reply.

"You're not fat, and don't ever believe anyone who tells you that. You're beautiful just the way you are. And... I- I love you." I froze. I had been expecting most of that comforting stuff... but not really that last phrase that came out.

You would have to come up with a new word to describe how I was feeling. A mixture of surprise, happiness, hope, and something else I couldn't quite put my finger on, was floating about inside of me. Was he for real?

_D-Did he just say... He l-loves me?_

I cautiously pulled away from his chest and looked into his eyes. They seemed to prove his words were the truth. They held only love and devotion. And just sensing this made butterflies explode in my stomach.

This whole thing was pretty new to me and I hadn't had much experience in this area. So, I didn't think. Just did what teenagers do best. I acted on impulse.

I tilted my head up expectingly and he gathered my lips in a soft kiss before I said, "I love you too," I hadn't even planned to say it, it just sort of slid off my tongue so naturally that I didn't have time to ponder the fact that it's exactly what I meant.

But it was then that I realized what that missing emotion I was feeling was. 'Love,' how easy to have been forgotten...

**Lexi: So how did I do? Please keep in mind that I was trying to at least somewhat keep the original plot.**

**Okay so the point of "Ewwww, he kissed him after he barfed!" came up last time I posted this... and I did realize this after writing it the first time. So, I at least made him wipe his mouth of to sorta make up for it without rewriting the whole thing to have him gargle or use mouth wash before the kiss or something! BUT, I did say he acted on impulse, so he wasn't necessarily thinking bout that. AND if Roy loved him like I FORCED him to, then he wouldn't mind that much :)**

**The other point that came up is, "He's not fat, the kid has muscles!", I acknowledge that he is indeed, 'ripped'. However, someone would have to be extremely stupid to make fun of Edward in the first place... The same stupid people can mistake muscle for fat! Anyone will lie if they know it will hurt you, duh. Edward is already emotionally challenged as it is!**

**So yeah... there's the re-write. Hope you liked it :)**

**XOXO**

**Lexi**


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